Our team decided to have a break. Here are a bunch of health jokes we managed to gather from all over the internet.
Doctor : You have throat problem? Have you ever gargled with salt water?
Patient : Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming. ”
A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
Doctor : Do not worry! It is due to old age.
Patient : The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?”
Doctor : Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is an indication of old age.
Husband : Doctor , would you yourself please tell this to her?
Patient : I think I am suffering form loss of memory.
Doctor : Please pay my fees in advance.
Patient : Doctor , can I ask you a personal question, if you do not mind.
Doctor : Yes you can.
Patient : Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
Doctor : Because I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.
Doctor : What is the matter about your husband?
Woman : He worries a lot about money.
Doctor : I think I can relieve him of that.
Patient : I am taking rest cure.
Doctor : What do you do?
Patient : I sit every day for four hours in your waiting room.
Doctor : Why are you nervous?
Patient : Because I am going to have an operation for the first time.
Doctor : Hey! But I am not nervous though this is my first operation.
Doctor : You must take five tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal.
Patient : Doctor , we have only 3 spoons at home.
Doctor : What is wrong with you?
Patient : I am losing my memory. Please give me some medicine.
Doctor : Here, Take this.
Patient : Why are you giving me this medicines? I am perfectly all right.”
John: Doctor , when I take a bath I get wet.
Doctor : Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.
Husband : Doctor My wife thinks she’s a satellite dish.
Doctor : Do not worry I can cure her.
Husband : I do not want her cured I want you to adjust her to get the sports channel.
Patient to the eye specialist: “Whenever I drink tea, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor : Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup of tea before drinking.”
Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money:
“Do you see any change in me?”
Patient : I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor : Didn’t the new glasses help?
Patient : Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
Patient : Doctor , I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.
Doctor : Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.
Marry: Doctor , my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor : Bring her in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor : Why so?
Marry: Because she does not stop at this floor.
A fat lady: Give me some advice that can reduce my weight.
Health expert: Ok! You must move your head to the right and the left at a
Fat lady: At which particular time?
Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.
Patient : Doctor , my daughter has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
Doctor : Use a pencil till I come to see her.
Doctor : What seems to be your trouble?
Lady : When I get up I feel dizzy for two hours.
Doctor : Try getting up two hours later.
Doctor : Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him.
Doctor : They are for you.
Patient : Doctor ! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor : When did you first notice this problem?
Patient : What problem?
“Funny Diet Excuses”
1. It was my birthday, so I have eaten the whole cake.
2. Chocolates have many preservatives and preservatives makes me look younger.
3. Broken biscuits have no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie escape.
“Doctor : Run 8 kms a day for 300 days, you will lose 34 kgs.
After 300 days, Patient called doctor I have lost weight, but I am 2400 kms from home. ”
Patient : I have swallowed a key.
Doctor : When?
Patient : 3 months back!
Doctor : What were you doing till now?
Patient : I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.
Diet & Exercise: Two Overweight Women were talking:- “I’ve got an idea” said one. “Let’s flip a coin. If it lands on heads, we’ll go to eat a cheeseburger. If it lands on tails, we’ll go for a pizza. And if it lands on its side, we’ll go to the gym to work out.
Patient : I was suffering so much that I wanted to die. Please Help!
Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.
Patient : Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
Doctor : That is what I want to find out myself.
Doctor : I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill. Is there any one you would like to see?
Patient : Yes! “Another doctor”.
Doctor : What has happened to you?
Patient : I am going to die in 20 minutes.
Doctor : Wait for half an hour! I am coming.
Doctor to furniture salesman: Why you bought six backless chairs?
Salesman : Because you needed a stool sample. ”
Doctor : I have some good news for you, Mrs. Roy.
Pardon me, she interrupted, but its Miss.
Doctor : I have some bad news for you, Miss Roy.
Seeking appointment with doctor a man said: 2 weeks? I could be dead by then!
Doctor : No problem! If your wife let us know, we will cancel the appointment.
Doctor : Mr. John, you look exhausted.
John: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have
to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
Doctor : Liquor is a slow poison for you.
Patient : It’ is perfectly all-right. I am not in a hurry.
Dentist: For God’s sake, stop making such noises and waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet.
Patient : Yes, I know. But you are standing on my foot.”
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