It is very easy to fall in love, as we are fascinated with that other person, we are very generous, attentive, and so on. According to psychologist Harville Hendrix, when we are in love, the “world is in Technicolor.”
It is much more difficult to maintain that connection in time. Things start to go wrong, and the traits we loved about the other one, slowly start to annoy us. We hurt each other more often, and with each conflict we start to feel lonelier. The love we once had is just a sweet memory. However, that is not the case with all the marriages or relationships. According to Hendrix, that is because of our subconscious. He stated that we do not have free will when we fall in love with someone, we choose that person because he/she reminds us one of our parents in positive and negative ways. We have certain emotional wounds regarding that parent, and we would like our partner to fix those wounds, to fill those needs. At the beginning they do that, but in time, that stops.
Maintaining fun is important
Hendrix said that it is possible to live a happy life, and to maintain the love. One of the things which the couple should do is to maintain the fun. Couples that have fun together are more likely to remain together. Each time we develop a new skill, especially one which is outside our comfort zone, our brain develops new neurons, and thus, we feel happier. The problem with the majority of the couples is that they are stressed, and when they are stressed, they sacrifice the fun. Hendrix suggests making a list which both find fun, and do them.
Having a conflict is not necessarily bad, because it means you still care about the relationship. However, it is very important not to be judgmental, and to drop the negativity. Each time you put your partner down;he/she becomes angrier and develops anxiety.
It is very important not to be very judgmental, and not to care too much about being right or wrong. It is more important to make sure that your partner is happy, and that thus, both of you are happy. It is not worth fighting about things such as which movie you should see, where you should go for a walk, and so on. You should eliminate the sarcasm, the eye rolls, the grudges, and the pointless assumptions.
Remember to listen and to compliment
The majority of the couples believe that they know what the other one is thinking or feeling. Because of this, they avoid conversations, and listening to each other. This could be a very big problem. It is very important to listen to the one we live with, and not to judge him/her. We should listen, validate what we heard, empathize with the other, and make suggestions about the ways in which things could improve.
Compliments can get you a long way, and it is important to offer them as often as possible. Tell your wife that she looks good in the jeans; tell your husband that he did well at work.